Visiting Hours
by Red Witch
Summary: Mallory visits Archer in the hospital.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is in a coma. Just a thought or two about what a visit from Mallory to her son would be like.**

 **Visiting Hours**

"Hello Sterling," Mallory sighed as she sat next to her comatose son's bedside. "It's your mother."

Mallory looked at her son lying there. "Oh Sterling…" Mallory choked back a sob. "It breaks my heart seeing you like this. If only there was something I could have done to protect you."

"Even though you realize this is **your fault** and not mine."

"I mean who doesn't let the robot get shot **first?** _Seriously?_ "

"I get that you were trying to get Deane's confession on tape. But seriously. You could have had the robot get the confession **before** it got shot. That's basic robot decoy 101! And why didn't you have a gun too? Or at least make sure the gun was shooting blanks?"

"I'm just saying you had a perfect robot decoy and you manage to get shot and nearly killed. Trust you to screw **that** up!"

"That's the trouble with you Sterling! You never think these things through! EVER!"

"Do you have any idea how this situation has affected **me?"**

"First, I have to schlep over here all the time, all the way across town. And you never even say **thank you!** Secondly I have to pay most of your hospital bills out of my pocket because that miser Cyril complains every single time I take a teeny bit out of the budget for your care!"

"By the way this is coming out of **your salary**!"

"Third all this time I am spending watching over you I'm not at the agency. Not supervising the brain trust. Yeah. Exactly. They think I don't know they're spending all their time drinking and partying and screwing each other."

"Speaking of screwing, you don't **want** to know what Krieger's been doing in his lab."

"Basically, our agency isn't making much money at all. Other than what little fraud we can wring out of Carol's scrawny neck. I swear if it wasn't for her protection checks we would have been out on the street by now! Because you know **no one** at our agency can do a damn thing right!"

"Including **you** Sterling! Again, the **robot decoy** gets shot! NOT YOU!"

"Also add the fact that I am watching **your daughter** for you! That's my trouble! I give! And give! And give! But you never thank me! It's a thankless job being your mother Sterling!"

"It's like a typical day," Mallory sighed after a beat. "I'm talking and you're not listening to a word I say."

"Throw in some scotch and a couple of whores on the side and it would be just like any other workday back when we were spies."

"Speaking of which I have to order some more scotch for the office."

"No reason I can't do it right now," Mallory took out her phone. "I have to give Ms. Gillette credit, she does know her way around the Internet. Must be from all that looking at male porn sites."

"It's the latest thing Sterling. I can order scotch and any other alcohol I want from this website and it gets delivered within a day. And since it's a legitimate expense I can charge it to the agency. And some vodka. A little vermouth. Gin, bourbon…Oh, these wines look lovely…"

"I have to admit Californian wines have grown on me."

"And there we go," Mallory finished placing her order. "There. That should be enough to hold the drunkards at the agency for another two weeks."

"Well while I'm at it I might as well check my e-mail."

"Garbage, junk, spam…" Mallory scrolled through. "Why is this pet supplies site sending me an invitation? I don't even own a dog anymore. Haven't in years."

"God, I miss Duchess. She was the best companion a woman could have."

She looked at Archer. "You could take some lessons from her!"

"I never understood why you two never got along. My son and the best damn thing that ever happened to me. Oh well…"

"Oh Sterling…" Mallory sniffed again. "If only you would say something. I actually miss your sarcastic back talk!"

Mallory looked at her phone again. "I don't miss e-mails from Peggy. God, her husband isn't even a senator anymore! All these stupid photos from all her stupid trips make me want to gag. Oh look, she's in Greece. Must be her husband's idea. I always took him for a closet rough trade type."

"But those shoes she's wearing are fabulous," Mallory noticed. "I wonder if they have them in my size?"

"Both Pam and Gillette showed me this wonderful new app. You can take any picture of any shoe anywhere, and it will find out where they are being sold. Ironic I know. Those two can't find a clue in front of their faces but they can find booze and shoes."

"I'm not saying that isn't a priority but still…"

"Ah here it is. Nieman Marcus. I'll give Peggy this. She does have taste. Too bad she has to taste everything in sight judging by the photo she sent. Probably had to use a wide lens."

"Just check Nieman Marcus online if they have them…They do! And place order in…Ron will pitch a hissy fit but I'll just say it's for our anniversary. When is that again?"

"It doesn't matter. I know it's sooner or later…"

Mallory looked at her son. "I use Ron's credit card when I shop for clothes and shoes now. Since my black titanium card has been cancelled! Thank you very much assholes at the CIA!"

"Oh Sterling, what's to become of us?" Mallory sighed as she put down her phone. "I'm trying to stay strong. But it's killing me every day seeing you like this. I feel like I failed you as a mother."

"I tried Sterling. I really did try to be a good mother."

"In hindsight, I should have known better to place you with a heroin junkie," Mallory grumbled. "Who just disappears out of the blue and doesn't call! He'd better be dead. If not, he soon will be!"

"Maybe I could have been a better mother to you? I admit it, I had a choice between you and my career. And I picked my career. For all the damn good it did. On the other hand, if it wasn't for you and the gang of idiots I would still **have** that career…"

"Sterling what I am trying to say…What I should have said to you a long time ago…I…I lo…"

RING! RING!

"Who could **that** be?" Mallory answered her phone. "Hello? Candice? Candice, I haven't heard from you in months! Oh, that's right. You were hiding out when your boyfriend was arrested on embezzlement fraud. Then you were sequestered on that jury on that murder case. How did that turn out?"

"Well obviously she was innocent. Who brings Viagra on a cruise if they're planning on murdering their husband? It's just common sense!"

"No, I'm not doing anything important right now," Mallory shrugged as she crossed her legs. "We can talk for a bit. How have you been?"

Mallory listened for a bit. "Well that's nice. So what's new back in New York? Uh huh. Really. No, I don't think it's wonderful Trudy Beekman won Woman of the Year again! You know that woman hates me."

" **What** has she been saying about me?" Mallory did a double take. "Oh really? Well she's one to talk! What? Gladys Vanderhoffen said **what?** Why that lying little…"

"What do you mean she's not the **only one**?" Mallory asked. "Who said **what?** Her? That miserable Helen...Oh you can't believe a **word** that woman says! She's always been jealous of me!"

"What do you mean she was at the Swindon Hotel and saw the whole thing? What date? Ohhh…That was a misunderstanding. I was working a case. You know how rude bad guys are. Well on TV they're rude. And worse in real life."

"They dropped the charges!" Mallory snapped. "So technically I was merely falsely detained."

"What else are they saying about me?" Mallory gasped. "No, my marriage is **not** on the rocks! Ron and I are stronger than ever! More committed actually."

"And my business isn't failing either. We have a very wealthy client that has us on retainer. What do you mean the Tunt girl **doesn't count**? She's a billionaire! That has to count for **something**!"

"Other than Sterling being in a coma my life is **just fine** thank you very much!"

"Oh, there's no change," Mallory looked at Archer. "Doctors don't have a clue. He could wake up any day now or a month from now. I know. I hate it when things just drag out like this."

"Don't get me wrong," Mallory went on. "I have enjoyed some quiet time but enough is enough!"

"So what else am I missing back in New York? Interesting. At least a quarter of the upper East Side lost their money in a Ponzi scheme. That was tied into Long Water. Seriously? How…? Oh my God. It really is a small world, isn't it?"

"At least I know I'm not the only one these things happen to. I don't suppose that either Trudy Beekman or Gloria Vanderhoffen lost money? No. These people targeted younger people with money. Figures."

"Uh, nothing about anyone named Tunt losing any money? I didn't think so. Worth a shot."

"What? **Who** lost all their money? No! Good! I never liked that bitch! Where is she living now? In the suburbs with her daughter! In New Jersey! And I thought I had it rough! HA! Serves her right!"

"What else?" Mallory asked. "Melanie Newgate had an **un-facelift?** How does **that** work? Ohhh…Oooh. Sounds painful. How long will she be in intensive care? I see."

"Who did that? Dr. Jackowski. I guess this means his latest malpractice lawsuit has been settled."

"Edina has **another grandchild** on the way? How many is that now? _Seven?_ Good god, did she not even think of teaching her daughter about birth control? What is she? A Mormon?"

"Oh right, Irish Catholic. Figures."

"Yes, I saw Peggy's latest vacation pictures. Kind of hard **not** to see Peggy. It's not like she was thin to begin with but if she eats any more baklava she'll be mistaken for a Kraken."

"It's a sea monster from Greek Mythology, Candice."

"I agree that is a very apt analogy. That's why I **said it**."

"Although I do admit I love the shoes she's wearing. I just got a pair myself online. I mean if they can support that much weight then obviously they should be comfortable enough for me."

"They come in other colors? Good to know. What else is going on? I am so out of the loop it's not funny."

"The Parker-Wilsons are getting a divorce? What happened? Oh, I see…Oh my. Well I can't say I blame her. When your husband contracts a disease from sleeping with some little whore and gives her a yeast infection…She's suing for **how much**? Good for her!"

"Joanna's fifth husband walked out on her _already_? She must be beside herself. Probably because he's sleeping with every little bimbo **besides herself**."

"Really? He's been seen hanging around at The Snug? Called it!"

"Roger Whittenshall put on **another play** on Broadway? Good for him. He is the most talented playwright of our generation."

"Oh, it closed in two nights? Let me rephrase that, he's the most talented **failure** of a playwright of our generation. Let's just say dear his talents don't exactly lie in writing. Well maybe if he wrote porn…And that became an accepted genre."

"Ethel Duke is dead? Oh, I am so sorry. Sorry I wasn't there to spit on her grave. Miserable old bat."

"Who did she leave all her money to? Don't tell me. Let me guess? Those loser sons of hers? No? An **animal shelter?** Are you telling me that crazy woman left millions of dollars to strays? What is this world coming to? When millions of people are desperate for money to survive but a bunch of dumb mongrels are up to their ears in kibble!"

"What do you mean I should know? What kind of crack is **that?** "

"Oh good," Mallory sighed. "I could use some really good news. What? Yes, I remember Zenith. Pretentious little restaurant. As a joke! I pulled the gun on that waiter as **a joke!** What? Closed down! By the health department! What happened?"

Mallory listened with glee. "How many rats did they find in that refrigerator? Oh my God! They were serving rat parts? And wilted vegetables that expired? Oh my god! What? And KFC with the skin scraped off? Well those owners should be sued! I knew something was off about that place! Even my husband knew it was a scam it was so obvious!"

"I'm glad it was shut down for good! Saves me time on my revenge list. One less place I have to burn down."

"I'm **kidding,** Candice. God don't take everything I say so literally," Mallory rolled her eyes. "Well with my son in a coma and me exiled to La La Land I need a sense of humor."

"Oh, you have **no idea** ," Mallory sighed. "Their idea of culture out here is the mold on cheese. As well as the latest movie where everything explodes."

"Well I'd love to come back home," Mallory sighed. "You have no idea how much I want to go back to the way things were. But with my business taking off and Sterling in a coma. Not to mention my granddaughter was just accepted into a very prestigious pre-preschool."

"No, not the one with the Irish whore," Mallory sighed. "And that's a boy. This is my _granddaughter_ , AJ. Lana yes. The black one. Well she's still a step up from the Irish whore!"

"No, she's not handling Sterling's condition well," Mallory sighed as she started to rummage through her purse. "Poor thing."

Mallory pulled out a small flask. "Not that I blame her," She sighed as she unscrewed the top. "It hasn't exactly been easy. Honestly I'm amazed sometimes I can get any work out of my people at all!"

She took a sip from her flask. "All these people do all day is sit around, drink and gossip! I tell you! No one has any work ethics anymore!"

Mallory took another swig. "I know! If I didn't check up on them nothing would get done! They think they can just get money for doing barely any work and screwing around. And yelling pointlessly at each other. I think it's a generational thing."

Mallory took another drink. "Exactly! I know! I fear for the future of this country Candice. I really do. When I look around and see what these morons consider important…"

"By the way Candice, do you know what other colors those shoes came in? Never mind, I'll look it up."

"My point is Candice is that the younger generation doesn't seem to have any values anymore," Mallory went on and took another drink. "No manners. No class…"

She heard the sound of shouting and screaming. "Hang on…" She got up and looked out the door. A man was being wheeled down the hallway, clearly in some kind of critical condition. A doctor was shouting orders to his nurses.

"DO YOU PEOPLE MIND?" Mallory shouted after them. "I'M ON THE DAMN PHONE!"

She slammed the door and went back to her call. "Sorry. I had to deal with more rude people. Where the hell do these young people get their lack of manners from? How did they become so self-centered?"

"Hang on, Candace. What else are people saying about me?"

"Really? Oh, **are they**? Well you tell everyone that I am doing **just fine!** In fact, my life is better than it ever has been before and I'm having a **ball!"**

"Well yes, aside from my son being in a coma. But that's not my fault! Just make sure everyone knows how well I'm doing! All right. It's good to hear from you Candice. At least I can count on one friend. Good bye."

Mallory hung up. "Count on her to use her Botox filled lips to blab any kind of gossip all over town!"

"The only upside is that she hates Trudy Beekman and Gloria Vanderhoffen just as much as I do. With her at least I'm getting my side of the story out there."

"I can trust Candice to tell the truth. Mostly because I have more dirt on her than an archeologist."

Mallory looked around the room. " **This** is your new upgraded room? I have to say Sterling I'm not impressed. I mean I get that you're in a coma and can't see the view. Why pay money for décor if the patient isn't going to see it? But seriously. A little taste goes a long way."

"And where the hell is the security I paid for? It can't just be that guard at the front door down the hall. There's not even any security cameras in this room. I can tell."

"It feels like I'm paying money for a worse room. And the agency's."

"Yes, I managed to weasel a few dimes out of Cyril's tight fist to help pay for your better room, Sterling. You're **welcome!"**

She finished off her drink. "I'm still thirsty. Damn it. I knew I should have filled another flask. Or gotten some of those tiny airport sized bottles the last time I went shopping."

"You would think they would put a bar in a hospital," Mallory said to her son. "They put in a damn chapel. Why not a bar? That lifts more people's spirits than a damn chapel."

"I'll be right back. I need a drink and since I can't get any alcohol here I suppose I'll have to settle for a can of diabetes."

She got up and left the room, going to the vending machines in the waiting room down the hall. She put in her money at the nearest one. "Another way to get nickeled and dimed around here," Mallory grumbled. "What to have? Oh. Ginger Ale. I have that with cocktails so it should be all right straight."

She got her soda. Then she noticed there was a bulletin board with papers and thumbtacks right next to the vending machines.

"Right," Mallory realized. "That thing Pam wanted me to do."

"I can't believe I actually **agreed** to do this," Mallory looked around to see if anyone was watching. No one was. She deftly took out a pink flyer for the Figgis Agency from her purse and put it on the board. "God, I am really scraping the bottom of the barrel."

"Never let it be said that I haven't done my part."

Mallory got her soda and went back to the room. She sat down next to Archer and took a drink from her ginger ale. She sat there in silence for a few minutes.

"Oh Sterling…" Mallory choked. "I can't believe my baby is in a coma. Sterling I am so sorry. I…I…"

"I have to get those shoes in another color," Mallory went to her phone again. "I can't believe I forgot. Let's see…Definitely black. And off white for the season…And I need a dark navy so I should be set. Not the red."

She ordered the shoes on her phone. "Well that's done. I hope we get money soon. Your _brilliant_ idea of opening a detective agency hasn't exactly been paying off."

"You know I had to put up one of Pam's awful pink flyers in the lobby, right? Did you hear me Sterling? Pam's flyer! In the lobby. Where **everyone** can see it!"

Mallory paused. "Huh. I was so sure saying something like that would do the trick."

"I mean if **that** won't wake you up to reality…"

"Oh, by the way. Lana married Cyril. Yeah. Real big ceremony. Gillette presided. And she got knocked up. By Cyril. They're having twins."

"And they just bought some pet alligators to play with the babies."

"Sterling. I'm pregnant too. But Ron left me. It's not his anyway. Not really sure who's the father. I guess that's something you and little Mallory Junior have in common. But don't worry. I'll be fine. I'm marrying Pam."

"I had sex with Cyril. And he was **good!** One of the best I had actually. Top six percent!"

"Oh, everyone in the world is becoming a cyborg now. Yeah, it's become mandatory since Barry Dylan was elected president. I think it was his stance on the economy that pushed him over."

"By the way Sterling I signed you up for rehab! You're going to AA **right now**!"

"Oh yes. One more thing. I sold your car."

Mallory looked at her son. "Really? Not even a twitch? I would have thought that last one would have made **something** register."

Mallory bent over her son and opened one of his eyelids. "Hello? Sterling? Are you in there? Were you _ever_ in there?"

She closed it again. "You are really out of it. I mean…I've seen you passed out before. Many times before. Many, many, **many** times before. Like when you came back from Spring Break in Thailand. But never like this."

"You're really hurt aren't you…?" Mallory was stunned. "I mean. You always get hurt but you always bounce back. For god's sake Sterling, I once shot you six times and you were fine within a week. Okay you milked it by saying you were in pain and staying at home for an extra week but I let it slide. Mostly because I felt bad. Even though it was your own fault."

"Oh God Sterling…What if something terrible happens to you for real and…? No! I can't think of that. Sterling dear you have to wake up. You have to get better and wake up. Because if you go…I don't think I'd be able to handle it."

"Oh Sterling…Maybe I shouldn't have tried to mold you into becoming a spy like me? In hindsight that may not have been the best career path you could have taken. Don't get me wrong, you were a good spy. When you were sober. And focused on something besides your dick."

"Which honestly these past few years you've been kind of over focused on that. Even for you."

"Oh Sterling. Just seeing you lying there so vulnerable and helpless. It breaks my heart. I…I…"

RING! RING!

"Hello?" Mallory answered the phone. "Oh, what the hell did I do **now,** Ron?"

"What are you talking about? What credit alert? Yes, I bought a couple of shoes online how did you know…? You put an alert on me?! Ron, you better not have stopped that payment!"

"Of course I bought myself some shoes!" Mallory shouted. "I'm **grieving** , you asshole!"

"Yes, that entitles me to new shoes! Look I am at Sterling's bedside and he's so sick and helpless and…Yes, I bought them while visiting him. Why not? It's not like he's been much of a conversationalist!"

"Why would you put a credit alert on me in the first place? I am **not** bad with money! I'm not! Boy, you fall for one Ponzi scheme, a few real estate scams and lose money on an illegal spy agency that turns into a failed drug cartel that turned into a failed country music business which then turns into a failed semi-legitimate spy agency then a failing detective agency you're labeled for life!"

"Of course, I heard myself speak. Why do people always **ask** me that?"

"Ron, I swear to God if you don't let me have those shoes there will be consequences! Serious consequences!"

"Oh very funny mister! Just for that you can make your **own dinner**! Never mind the fact that I don't cook!"

"Okay how's this? If you don't let me have those shoes I won't have sex with you! What do you mean that punishes **me** more than you?"

"I so could get another man to sleep with me if I wanted! Very easily! This hospital is full of grieving men whose wives have just died and need comforting. I'm pretty sure at least a couple of them wouldn't mind a few minutes in a broom closet!"

"You wouldn't! You little…Fine! What do I have to do to get those shoes? Fine I will pay for them out of **my own account**! I still have some money! Not for much longer the way Sterling and those idiots are leeching off me!"

"Fine I'll write you a check when I get home. Okay then I'll stop at the bank and get cash! HAPPY?"

She ended the call. "Ass!"

She looked at her son. "Yes, Sterling I'm aware that marrying Ron was a mistake! You don't have to rub it in! You're one to talk!"

"Well I have to go," Mallory sighed. "I need to get to the bank and withdraw some money. You would think the man would give me a little leeway considering what I am going through!"

"Good bye Sterling," Mallory touched her son's cheek before kissing it. "Rest well. Mother will visit you tomorrow. Of course, it goes without saying that if you wake up and I'm not here I be severely disappointed."

She walked out of the room. "If a chance of him disappointing me doesn't wake him up, **nothing** will," She grumbled to herself.

She stopped for a moment when she was halfway down the hall. "There are a few other coma patients here," She thought aloud. "I guess it wouldn't hurt to see who Sterling's neighbors are. I mean if their families can afford a private room…It wouldn't hurt to know someone else. To have a fellow grieving shoulder to cry on."

"Or other body parts," Mallory went to investigate the other rooms.

In one room, there was an older woman in a coma on the bed. With a much older man weeping by her side. And several adults, presumably her children crying too.

"Pass," Mallory shook her head and went to another room. "If I want a weeper I'll go to Gillette."

In another room, an older man was in a coma and his wife was by his side. "No," Mallory sighed as she walked by. "I prefer my men with some life in them."

Another room had another woman in a coma. The husband by her side was fat and had a bulbous nose and wearing a shabby coat. "Oh God no," Mallory shuddered as she walked by quickly. "I might as well sleep with my husband!"

"Isn't there a millionaire's coma wing in this hospital?"

She walked by another room and peeked in. It was an older man lying alone in the room. She was about to walk away when something stopped her. "I know that face."

She walked in and looked at the chart. "I knew it! I never forget a face like that! Especially with a nose that long!"

Mallory looked at the man in the bed. "Elias Whitehall the Third. God it's been **years** since I've seen you. Decades actually. When was the last time…? Oh right. The incident in Guatemala. You know you cost me a quarter grand by ratting me out about my slight hedge betting."

Mallory paused. "Okay so I was playing both sides for a bigger payoff? Big deal! Everybody does it! Even your bosses at the State Department!"

"Didn't matter," Mallory shrugged. "Shortly after that I started my own agency. No thanks to you. Tried to shut me down. And that didn't end well for you, did it? Look where you are?"

"Severe brain clot. No friends, no family," Mallory read his chart. "What a shock. I guess when you spend your life being a lying backstabbing little weasel it does bite you in ass."

"I heard you retired years ago. You used to live in Richmond. What are you doing in California of all places? Oh, that's right. I heard you had a house out here."

She heard a loud series of screams down the hall. Mallory peeked out of the room to see several family members of the first woman in the coma screaming for a doctor. Cautiously she closed the door to the room.

"Some hospital this is, am I right?" Mallory asked over the commotion outside. "I really should consider moving Sterling to a better hospital."

"Well I can't say it hasn't been fun catching up with you…" Mallory took a pillow and held it against Whitehall's face. "Then again the lack of security here does have one advantage."

Mallory mused as she held the pillow over Whitehall's face. "I really should look into a room with better security. Yes, definitely make some kind of request. Now where would I do that? Oh right. I remember now."

She waited until the machine started to flatline and removed the pillow deftly, placing it back. She quickly exited out the room making sure no one saw her.

"Today has been a surprisingly productive day," Mallory remarked as she went to change her son's room. "I should visit more often."


End file.
